Coming Out Polyamorous
So, you’re newly polyamorous, or you’ve recently discovered polyamory and feel called in, and you think that you have found a relationship style that works for you! CONGRATULATIONS!! Now what? You may be wondering if you need to come out to people, or even how to go about doing that. Does the thought scare you? Maybe you remember hearing horror stories growing up about people coming out to their family and friends about being gay/lesbian and have ZERO desire to experience anything similar. Thats valid, who can afford the future therapy? I’m here to tell you, YOU get to decide. You can go on tour and tell everyone, just be mindful that there will be some resistance to those who don’t approve. But what if you share and find others who whisper back that they’ve been considering/or have tried polyamory too?
Past is Prologue
Some 20 years ago, the term polyamory didn’t exist in my periphery, and I lacked the tact to advocate for myself in all my relationships. Since then, I’ve had several experiences coming out, mostly good and a few I wish I could take back. In the beginning, there was much resistance and insult to my vulnerability. Many naysayers ready to hit me with hurtful and thoughtless phrases like, “That makes me sad for you” or “When you’re ready to get married, you’ll surely stop this whole polyamory thing,” and my least favorite, “I could never do that, I’m so happy and satisfied in my relationship with my partner,” implying I’m unhappy and/or unsatisfied in my own.
My Current Practice
Today, I’m more strategic about sharing this information, for multiple reasons. The first being, I realized I don’t owe an explanation, and no one should feel entitled to it. I’ve learned which people are safe and non-judgmental. I remember wanting to shout it from the rooftops, being empowered and filled with so much pride and excitement about exploring this new side of myself, and I still am, but I don’t mind waiting to share now because some people are on a need-to-know basis. There have been people I’ve only shared the info with because they had seen me with someone else. Others, I’ve realized it would take too much time and effort for me to share this information, and they likely would be committed to misunderstanding it anyways. Every now and again, I surprise myself with how candidly I’ll drop contexts clues, speaking about my husband, then later switching to talking about my bf or gf, and a handful of times, the people who are paying attention have pulled me aside and asked me about it, only to realize that they were poly too, and were desperately looking for community also.
Family Matters
Family members are on a need-to-know basis for me. If I had married a woman, my sexuality would have been a topic of conversation. If I had a steady and local bf/gf who would be making appearances at family events in addition to my husband, then I would disclose that information. That’s currently what feels comfortable for me, and it can look differently for you. All of my chosen family know about each person who has tip toed in my poly life, and that level of honesty, transparency and support is worth its weight in gold!
Protect yourself
I’ve met people who hold managerial positions at work and who are out about being polyamorous, and I love that for them. I love that they feel safe and supported and can live authentically at their place of work. However, the reality for many people is that it is not a safe space to do so. Unfortunately, there are potential legal restrictions for disclosing when it would have been better to stay quiet and unfortunately, blend in. In some states, at-will employment is still a legal practice, and people can and have been fired for being polyamorous. What makes this enraging is the fact that cheating is so wildly common. I’m sure we’ve all heard the juicy gossip at work that so-and-so are getting a divorce cause he/she cheated. These whispered secrets make for juicy office gossip, and no one’s livelihood is threatened. The cheater even gets to keep their job! While cheating in monogamous relationships breaks social rules, the act itself is so common, it’s become somewhat socially acceptable as something that just happens sometimes.
Find & Make Community
I’m not saying to be fearful or full of shame about living authentically as polyamorous. Rather, I’m saying be smart about disclosing should you choose to do some. Community is so important, but you get to decide who those trusted individuals are. There is poly meet up groups that you can attend if you want to find safe spaces to talk and exist openly. A quick google search online or on social media will show you communities of people who get together and discuss all things polyamory and swap stories in safe spaces consistently, where both horror and success stories alike are shared. You’ll find people who will be better able to appreciate the delicate dance that is being a polyamorous person in a traditionally monogamous society.
I’ve attended several meet-up groups and have made friends who I can call/text when I need advice in poly situations that they have more experience with. Having community makes a difference, and determining who is worthy of being apart of your inner circle takes work. Recently I was reflecting on my poly journey, and I was proud to realize that all of the newer people in my life allow me to live out loud, authentically as a proud polyamorous individual! How amazing is that? I’ve been fortunate enough to live my life in such a way that is authenticity centric, and I recognize my privilege in that statement, trust me. But how lucky and fortunate I am to have created a life, tailored to my liking and have people love me for my full authentic expression. You deserve a community of love and support. It’s worth putting the time and energy into cultivating, trust me! Treat yourself.
