Opening Up Your Relationship
Opening up your relationship can be scary since there aren’t many healthy models for how to do so. Its also a very taboo choice to make but that’s ok. Many people, whether you know them or not, participate in an open relationship and have successfully done so for years! Its important to take things slow. There will likely be many conversations that occur before anything else really happens. It’s also common to expect some pushback from your partner, and to anticipate that they might respond negatively at first, but that pressuring them is not the right way to go about this either.
Rules/Boundaries
Make some rules and boundaries and realize the difference between the two. Boundaries protect yourself, and rules control your partner. That’s not to say all rules are inherently bad; for instance, ensuring that everyone is properly testing to ensure everyone’s safety is generally a good rule. Also, saying you want some details but not all details of your partner’s outings, is a boundary that protects your peace. Also, if there’s any hesitation or pause, don’t just agree, but rather explore that feeling, and maybe you guys can arrive at a different compromise in the interim while in these delicate beginning stages. We don’t want to create a breeding ground for resentment later.
Open Communication
Rules & boundaries might change as you continue on in this process. Informed consent is the goal. Erroring towards more communication as opposed to less is the goal and can feel extremely vulnerable and maybe even a bit awkward at first. This includes the new relationship you are fostering. It is important that they are aware of your situation; No one wants to feel like a homewrecker and will ultimately help co-create more trust and security in all your relationships. Trust that you will appreciate later how much this raises the bar for all your potential future connections! It’s a lot of work but opens the door to many exciting possibilities in your life.
Knowing your limits
So you’ve had all the talks, SO MANY TALKS. And now you’re on the apps or chatting up people throughout your day with more intention. It’s easy to get swept up in this new found freedom and autonomy. A common mistake is spreading yourself thin and setting yourself up for failure by having too many dates. Successfully juggling many different partners takes a lot of work, and even more COMMUNICATING. You don’t want to start a negative pattern of neglecting any of the new or already existing connections you are exploring. That’s not a good look. While love is a limitless resource, time and attention are definitely finite. If you don’t already have a planner or a google calendar, I suggest finding one. This should become a new and regular practice to help you avoid overbooking yourself and neglecting existing connections. You don’t want to make a routine of going on an apology tour, “Sorry I need to cancel our date, I forgot I have XYZ.” People will be put off if this happens too much. Respecting your own time helps you respect everyone else’s time as well.
Managing NRE
Ok, so you found another awesome person to spend some flirty and sexy time with, CONGRATULATIONS! You may think the sky is bluer, colors are brighter, maybe you’re checking their social media constantly and thinking of them obsessively, welcome to New Relationship Energy. We’ve all experienced the feeling of hoping every notification on your phone is a message from them, only to be disappointed it’s a spam email. NRE is a great feeling, so long as you’re not chasing it like a drug and abandoning people as soon as it wears off. Juggling NRE with an already established relationship can be tricky, you don’t want to unintentionally neglect your existing partner either. You need to be self-aware enough to keep it in check, and continue behaving in ways that honor who you are, and not your inner hormonal and spontaneous love drunk teen.
Honesty
You might be thinking, this goes without saying, and it should, but the kind of honesty I am talking about here is honesty with yourself. If you are lying to yourself, that’s unfair and is something your partner(s) can’t and shouldn’t compete with. I’ve met people who were lying to themselves about wanting an additional relationship outside their marriage, when in reality they were wanting physical intimacy with others and not a relationship. That’s perfectly fine, we all have needs. Pretending like we don’t is a disservice and a lie to yourself. Some people feel shame in feeling attraction to others; the internalized shame in not seeing someone else as a whole person, but more so as someone who can help you scratch and itch and vice versa. Maybe you’re wanting to explore some kinks that your original partner has expressed zero interest in. You don’t necessarily need a relationship to do that, but you can. So maybe a truer statement would be that you’re looking for friends with benefits and not a relationship. You might be experiencing a disconnect in wanting a relationship on paper, and then when push comes to shove, realizing that was a true feeling then, and maybe not so much anymore. This might not be a fun convo to have with the new person and you might not like realizing this side of yourself, but everyone deserves honesty and the right to decide if this is aligned with what they want as well. It’s perfectly ok that desires change, just be willing to share what you’ve learned about yourself with all the people involved.
Parting Ways
A very real and not so fun part the dating game is rejecting and realizing when you’re not a good fit with someone else. If you successfully find yourself managing multiple relationships, you have to be prepared to go through a breakup. This is a numbers game and is a risk you are taking. Maybe your partner, the one who decided to open your original relationship with is experiencing rejection, a breakup, or someone very rudely ghosting them with zero explanation. You’ll have to be there for each other in a very new way, one that might not feel natural at first, but can be an inevitable possibility of something you might encounter in the future. Hopefully not, but let’s be real, its rough out there, and once the fantasy of a person wears off, we might be confronted with having difficult and not fun conversations. If you’re the one wanting to leave a new connection, be prepared to do so like an adult. This in no way guarantees the other person will react favorably, break-ups and being a human are hard after all. Respect their time and say you enjoyed getting to know them, but are finding yourself wanting different things, and maybe opting for being friends. You can never have enough friends, and making friends as an adult can be weird, lets be honest. Good luck out there!
