Reducing Orgasm Anxiety: A How-To Guide
While tv shows and movies make orgasmsing out to be this overwhelming experience that defines and culminates sex, it is actually more common than not for people to not orgasm during sex for a multitude of reasons. Whether that be from not enough stimulation, uncomfortable angle, or inability to relax, there are multiple reasons why people do not experience an orgasm. However, if the reason you are unable to orgasm is that you can’t relax, here are some steps you can take to potentially change that.
Step 1: Determine if you are having orgasm anxiety
Some common signs of orgasm anxiety are your body tensing up during sex, your mind wandering away from the sexual experience, your mind and body dreading the moment leading up to the orgasm, feeling an overwhelming sense of nervousness during sex and orgasms, and experiencing dissociation between your mind and body. If any of these things are happening to you during sexual experiences, you may be experiencing orgasm anxiety. However, it is critical to determine what the source of the anxiety is, in order to determine a solution.
Step 2: Determine the Source of the Anxiety
It is important to consider your comfort level with your partner. Is there something that your partner is doing or saying that is preventing you from being relaxed during sex? Is there something about the particular sexual experience that is making you anxious or uncomfortable? Could the position or angle not be conducive to you experiencing pleasure, or is it the form of sex (penetrative vs non-penetrative)? Are you anxious or worried about not having an orgasm due to pressure or obligation from your partner? It is important to remember that sex is not defined by an orgasm and a sexual experience can be deeply enjoyed without the culmination of an orgasm at the end. Therefore, if you feel like your partner is pressuring you to cum, it could be creating anxiety around orgasming and ultimately preventing you from doing so. Similarly, it is important to reflect and think about any past sexual trauma or negative sexual experiences that could be removing you from the present experience. Oftentimes, sexual trauma and negative sexual experiences remove us from the present and create an intense anxiety around potentially reliving that moment and sex all together. These past experiences could be causing your mind to drift elsewhere and prevent you from being in the right headspace to enjoy the present moment and relax enough to have sex.
Step 3: Find a Solution
If you determine that any of these are potential causes or sources of your anxiety, here are some potential solutions to combat it. If you are feeling uncomfortable or an obligation or pressure from your partner to experience an orgasm, it is critical to communicate with your partner about how you are feeling regarding sex and ultimately work together to create a safe and inclusive space where you can explore what works for you and your comfort levels. You can also emphasize to your partner that you do not necessarily need to orgasm in order to enjoy having sex, because, once again, orgasms do not define sex. Similarly, if it is something about the sexual experience itself, you can start by exploring your own body and take the time to masturbate and explore yourself sexually to learn your wants and needs. This can be done solo or with your partner to explore angles, positions, and experiences that make you orgasm. Finally, if the anxiety is caused by your mind being elsewhere from the experience, communicate with your partner to find ways to create a relaxing and calming environment that is conducive to you feeling safe and comfortable enough to have enjoyable sex that can lead to an orgasm. Whether that is taking a bath, playing calming music, or just spending quality time with your partner, minimizing external and internal stress that can contribute to anxiety during sex is key to reducing orgasm anxiety.
If none of these solutions or methods are working for you, you can always reach out to a sex educator or therapist for other tactics and tools to relax and experience an orgasm. On a final note, ultimately, the point of sex is not to orgasm, the point is to experience pleasure. It is important to move the focus of sex away from orgasming and to pleasure, because at the end of the day, if an orgasm happens, that is amazing, but sex can still be incredibly enjoyable without it.
Sources:
https://psychcentral.com/anxiety/orgasm-anxiety#managing-orgasm-anxiety
